Relationship Advice From Mom

As you probably know, I receive messages from the Spirit world.

Sometimes the messages are from Angels and Spirit Guides, or other highly evolved sentient beings of various sorts, and sometimes the messages are from people who have been a living human, and now are deceased.

Even though in the larger scheme of conscious awareness, we are all one, just as every drop of water in the ocean is the ocean, but an individuated expression of the ocean in a smaller form, it is the same with our consciousness. Each of us individually is a unique expression of the Divine choosing to live out a number of years in a human body. Normally we forget this extremely important fact of our existence while we are in human form, because if we knew that we were the Divine living out a human existence, we would miss out on a lot of things, just based on our understanding of how the world works.

When we are born into a human body, we are completely at the mercy of the adult humans around us. We are dependent on them, not only for our survival, but for our connection, for our understanding of love or lack of love, and for our programming into how the society into which we are born works.

Some of us tend to easily acclimate to our cultural conditioning, and some naturally question everything we are told or taught about life, about love, and about just about everything, from how the world works, where we came from, why we are here, and what life is about. Hopefully, as we grow and evolve as a human, we begin to awaken to the truth of our existence. Some of us gradually begin to see cracks in the programming, and over time, we free ourselves from a life based on what we have been told or taught, and a life that feels far more joyful, expansive, powerful and soul-based.

The very interesting thing is, often, multiple people who have the same exact experiences often have very different recollections of the same history. Siblings who grew up in the same household often have very different memories of their upbringing. There are a variety of reasons for the disparity, but one of the reasons our memories often fail us is because we are each much more than our conscious awareness that we perceive was born when we emerged from our mother's womb. The greater aspect of our soul which is much older than the number that reflects our years in this particular human body is really running the show.

For those of us who have endured some faulty programming, which is most of us, some emotional wounds based on limited beliefs, manipulation, or power struggles, when we begin to awaken to the truth of who we really are, there often comes a period of time when our identity undergoes a crisis. We wonder who we are and how we arrived at where we are in life.

Often we begin to blame the people in our lives who were in charge at the time or who had some sort of direct influence on our programming.

For me, one of the people I blamed was my mother.

To other people, my mother was a wonderful human being who put her own needs last while she took care of all the lost and dying in the world. Everyone loved her. When I was very young, and even before my birth, she was known for taking in family members who wanted to make a fresh start or who were having a hard time. Right up until the day before she died. That day, she was driving some elderly women around, doing their shopping, banking, and even balancing their checking accounts for them.

However, my perception of my mother was that she had time for everyone except her own daughter. I never felt like I measured up to her expectations. I always felt like I was a disappointment to her. When I began to have my spiritual awakening, we no longer even had Christianity in common. I felt the need to hide the fact that I was exploring other belief systems.

When she died, the pastor of the church had people come up to the front and tell of all the wonderful things they had to say about my mom. There was no shortage of folks singing her praises. My sister and I sat in the front and could not say a word. Our experience had been different.

Since my mom passed and I developed the ability to chat with the deceased, you would think that we would have worked out our issues. And for the most part, I think we did. She would come through on occasion and we would chat. Often, however, despite my connections with many mediums, I would find that even most of the most seasoned mediums would have trouble bringing her in or getting her to communicate with me. She would often show up bringing other people in for me to chat with, but often she did not have much to say or seemed resistant to talk.

Recently, I was walking in the park when a number of deceased people began to come in and deliver messages. My mother was one of them, and she happened to have a lot to say this time!

I wanted to share this message because even though I am a spiritual teacher and communicator and the message she had for me is one I often share with others, I had not been aware that I was not practicing this very simple truth in regards to my memories of my relationship with her. This truth can apply to our relationship with the living or the dead.

She reminded me that I had been in the habit of remembering the less than positive aspects of my relationship to her rather than the good stuff. She said that we had plenty of good memories together. She reminded me of some very meaningful conversations and experiences we shared that were very positive. She reminded me that often in relationships, we begin a relationship seeing all of the wonderful and admirable qualities of a person, but that over time, we begin to focus more on what we see as character flaws rather than the goodness of a person or their positive qualities. When we begin to focus on the flaws in the relationship rather than the really good stuff, we often begin to expect to experience the thing we least like about the person rather than expecting the goodness of that person to shine through. Then, even when that person is doing wonderful and good things, we are expecting them to fail. When we do this, our thoughts and expectations begin to empower that part of their personality, so that even if they are attempting to do what is right, it is harder for them, because the energy being sent to them is that of exhibiting less than stellar behavior.

This is why people often act differently depending who they are around. We may find that when we get around family who we are not around often, we begin to fall into old patterns of behavior. One reason for this is because those people remember a version of us that may not even exist anymore. They are projecting onto us an expectation based on a former version of ourselves, and we are being energetically influenced to fall back into old patterns that we thought we had healed or conquered or resolved.

So mom asked me to begin to remember some of her qualities which I admired when she was alive. I remembered that she always helped other people. I admired that when she really believed something, there was no chance of her backing down. I admired her honesty, even when that honesty was brutal and felt unsupportive or unaccepting. I admire that she was never shy on expressing her opinions or beliefs, and she had a lot of them. Sometimes that felt like she was attacking you, but in reality she only wanted the best for you. I felt gratitude for all the wonderful adventures she would find for us to do when we visited Florida. She knew all the best places to visit, and would plan my entire trip, even if all I wanted to do was lay on the beach. At the time it annoyed me, but now I appreciate all the interesting places I would not have experienced if she had not planned them. I realized that she really did take time to be with me, because we really did go a lot of interesting places on my visits. I realized that my judgement that she did not value me or take time to be with me was flawed.

We who are spiritual sometimes forget the law of love when it comes to certain areas of our lives or certain relationships which are triggering for us. We think that if we love someone who is crossing a boundary, that we are in essence saying that their behavior is acceptable. This is not true. When I began to remember my mom's positive qualities, I was not saying that some of her criticism and perfectionism was okay. I was not saying that it was okay that I never felt accepted or supported unless I was doing things that were on her "okay" list. We can have specific boundaries with people while at the same time seeing that same person through the eyes of love. What does change is that when you look with love at the people in your life who may be messing up in some area or maybe you just think they are, you are empowering them to thrive and to overcome their character flaws rather than empowering their path to failure.

What you think about most is probably what you are going to experience in life, and that is specifically true in relationships. If you believe that your lover is going to cheat on you, for example, whether he or she is doing it or not, you are sending energy to that tendency and you are making it more likely to occur than if you see them as a person of honor and integrity. Now, if they are going to cheat, you don't need to pretend that it is not happening, but if you have no proof but you are suspicious just because you have been cheated on in the past or that person has cheated on other people in the past, you are actually making it more likely to occur at some point, just because you are creating an atmosphere of suspicion. What you think about most is what you are going to experience. This becomes compounded if you begin to talk to other people about your suspicions or about some infraction and everyone around you begins to talk about the infraction as well. Then it becomes practically impossible for the person to be their best self!

Everyone who knew my mother probably had no idea that our relationship was strained. No one else saw my mother the way I saw her, except maybe my sister, and even her relationship with mom was different from mine. In relationships, it is important to remember that your relationship with that person is completely unique and your experience is going to be very different based on your own expectations and patterns.

I am reminded of documentaries of very famous people, even ones who did a lot of good and wonderful things, whose children say that their relationship with their parent was difficult, because they felt that they had been abandoned for this greater calling. Even if a million people have a viewpoint of someone who did a lot of great and wonderful things, and you experienced pain, your experience is valid. However, remember that the very same person who you have an unhealed wound with has affected someone else's life in a positive and healing way. Each of us is an angel to one person and a devil to someone else.

My message for you today, from my mom, is to take a second look at any relationship in which you are judging someone's behavior or you are expecting someone to behave badly based on their past patterns either with you or possibly even with someone else. Remember that your relationship to that person is completely unique and even if that person has messed up in the past does not mean that they are destined to mess up again. Look at the positive aspects of their character, their relationship to you, and send them the energy of love. Expect them to succeed! Whether they succeed or not is really up to them, but your relationship to them will improve. Even if they display less than stellar behavior with other people, or they personally mess up their life, if you are not a vibrational match to that behavior, you will not experience that side of them.

Expect to experience your highest good and to enjoy healthy, loving relationships and you will draw those relationships into your life. If the people in your life are not the ones meant for you, then you will grow apart or you will know soon enough. If they are meant for you, then you will experience the highest and best part of that person, and your relationship will grow.

This applies to relationships of all kinds, not just love. Always see the best in your children, your parents, your work associates, and your friends and acquaintances. Always know that everyone is doing the best they can, based on their own programming, cultural conditioning, life experiences, and traumas. Address boundary issues when necessary, and remove or limit your time with those who cross boundaries or do not attempt to do the best they can. But continue to love them and hope for the best. The rest is up to them.

You may want to take a little time to reflect or even journal about some of your relationships, living or deceased, especially the ones with whom you have unhealed wounds or unfinished business. See the good parts of their character and know that it is not your job to fix the flaws. The journey of their soul is unique and at some point they will be offered the opportunity to face their own shadow. Continue to maintain boundaries and to honor your own sense of what is okay and what is not. Release any relationship that is toxic to you, but send them away with love and blessings as they traverse the journey of their soul.

Remember this important truth: what we focus on grows. Focus on love. The rest will become apparent soon enough.