Letter to An Old Friend

There is no doubt this month the veil between the living and the dead is thinner. But what about the divide between the present and the past?

Who we are today is based upon all of the experiences of our past. The achievements, the laughter, the tears, the mistakes, the things we could have done better.

I had a friend.

A long time ago.

She played a very real part of the person I am today.

In those days, I was the ultimate introvert. She saw something in me I did not see in myself. She gifted me the greatest gift I can imagine. She believed in me.

But...

It didn't end well.

Over the years, I have bounced back and forth between, I was right and she was right. I could have done this different but she could have done this different.

I have been thinking this month especially about all of the experiences and people who have impacted me in a significant way. If this would not have happened, that would not have happened.

We are all a compilation of all of the events and people who have had a significant impact on our lives.

Coincidence.

Synchronicity.

Are there people in your life who, if the events that happened between you had not happened, your life would have taken a completely different turn?

It is important to acknowledge those people and experiences who have shifted your life significantly.

Last night, sometime between the darkness of night and that first slither of light rising up from the top of the trees and tip toeing into the window beside my bed, I remembered.

The incident involved a couch.

This was not the only event of our relationship. We had many interactions that see-sawed it seemed between deep connection and excrutiating betrayal. The one that came to mind had to do with a couch.

I remembered some words that I said that had made complete sense to me. At that moment of clarity as sleep still lay heavy as a blanket over my body but awareness began to creep in, I suddenly realized how my words may have been received. Twenty years later.

I had the compulsion to seek her out on Facebook or other social media, run her down and make amends.

This month, it seems, I have had some time of self reflection. We all need those times.

Who or what wakes you up at dawn? Is there a memory that pricks you with embarrassment, anger or grief? Do you feel compelled to sink deeper under the covers and not ever come up or are you empowered to do better, to forgive, to accept, and to stop telling yourself stories based on half truths and partial information?

Today may be a good day to go within, to ask yourself, who do I have unfinished business with? It doesn't matter if they are alive or dead.

Talk to them as if they were in the room with you. Get it all out. Yell, scream, cry, whatever seems appropriate. Thank them for the gift of self awareness they gave you. If appropriate, seek them out and make amends.

To my friend.

What I said about the couch and what you probably heard are two completely different things. I can't imagine how you must have felt and I am sorry.

To my younger self.

You were doing the very best you could at the time. Some of the things you said absolutely were taken the wrong way. Mistakes are only mistakes in hindsight. If you had known ahead of time how that was going to sound you would have said it differently, or probably not said it at all. All you can do now is do better.

Give yourself a break. Give other people a break. We are all in this together.